Death at the Wrong Time: The Paradox of Life & Death
Ways to process grief and make peace with the dead. *TW: This post contains my personal story about the death of a parent, if you are feeling sensitive to this matter perhaps read it at another time.
Last week would have been my father’s 77th birthday. He didn’t make it to the celebration, not in this world anyways. He died 7 years ago under a crabapple tree on an abnormally hot day at the end of May. The exact day, we do not know because his body was found by a Jehova witness a couple of days later when nature had already called him hers.
Every year, April 6th feels different. It’s not the day he died, but the day we would have celebrated him and without him here it feels void, empty, like throwing a surprise party but the person never shows up. I replay memories of him, conversations we had, arguments, and laughs in that wide echoing space.
This year was different. In the years past, I would feel this ache in my being for a whole week before both his birthday and the questionable death date. When it seemed like the whole world was celebrating new life in spring, I would try to wipe away my tears in secret. The paradox of yellow daffodils, singing songbirds, and budding leaves didn’t feel right when I was mourning.
Death never happens at the right time it seems, but I can’t imagine a more contradictory time than spring.
Yet, death still happens, it happens when we least expect it, when we don’t want it and when it doesn’t make sense. Death has its own ticking clock and it answers to no one but God.
What no one talks about is that mourning last years, it doesn’t just disappear when the funeral is over, when the estate is complete or when the world has moved on and weeds have covered the grave. The mourning continues even after people have stopped giving their condolences. Then the responsibilities of life re-emerge taking away the attention from our loss and we have to wipe our tears and try to keep up with the impossible pace of modern life.
Death leaves a void that only those closest to the loss feel. We grip the edge desperately trying not fall in. Miracously, we don’t, we manage to hold on even with all the demands of needing to pay the bills, keeping up with obligations and acting like we are okay. Yet, we move in the world with that empty space seeking something to fill it. Most people avoid talking about it, but for those who have lost someone close, it is always there in the backdrop, conscious of it or not.
Losing my father when I was 28 years old was unexpected, I didn’t see it coming. There were no signs of arrival, no waving red flags to warn me. Then one normal day, there was a knock on my door from two police officers asking if I was who I was “Yes, I replied, have I done something wrong?”. I had run errands that day and imagined what I could have possibly done; run into a car, hit someones cat, been framed for stealing a tomato, my mind raced thinking of reasons that I did not remember, as my heart pounded in my chest. “No, can we come in we need to talk to you” they said in a monotone of seriousness. “Come in” while every part of my body wanted to shut the door and run. Hunched over in self protection I sat on the couch, they stood, cold, strong in uniform and I in my house clothes, vulnerable, unarmed in every sense. “Your father has died, we found his body, and we are so sorry for your loss.” My ears rang like sharp knives of sound piercing the room. “What?!?, you're joking, there must be some misunderstanding, he must be playing with me, this is a joke right, he told you to do this” I said with irritation. “This isn’t a joke, your father was found dead outside his home.”
Silence.
Except my whole body rang, piercing my whole being.
Involuntary tears poured, shock, confusion, disbelief.
I don’t remember them leaving, or what was said after that moment, but that night I packed my bags, tears leaving a salty trail on my clothes as I prepared to fly across the country the next day - leaving carefree days behind, leaving innocence behind, leaving childhood and parts of my identity. I had responsibility now, I had to take care of everything that my father had not. With one swoop, I had inherited his karma, I was the cleanup crew and I had to do it with the disability of a broken heart.
While I had been in denial about his aging and health, he had not. He would tell me he wouldn’t live till his 80’s but I would brush it off and shush him when he would bring it up. He had known, been so worried about it that he had even left a note for me (which is how the police knew where to find me).
Had death been talking to him, visiting him? I wish I had been more open, more inquisitive, asked more questions but my fear, my discomfort got in the way.
I imagine the depth of the conversations we could have had if I had been willing to face his immortality.
It is in retrospect that I wish I had said how much he had impacted my life, how much I had learned from him. I wish I had asked him if he was scared of death, what he thought about the afterlife… if he was having visions of ancestors or visits from spiritual beings to give him the inclination that he would be crossing the veil soon.
I also wish I had asked him more about his parents, little things - like what they were like, what their favourite meals were, did they have happy childhoods… All of this history, all of these family stories died with him.
Years later when I did death doula training in the shamanic tradition I learned that when people approach death there are signs that occur.
Talking about the past, retelling of stories again and again
Talking about ancestors or people who have passed
Having conversations with people who are not there
Time disillusionment
Spiritual encounters
Visitations in the Dreamtime
Needing to make peace with the past
A softening, they tend to cry more or express their emotions more openly
We do not know when someone's time will come, but there will be clues.
I lost my father at a young age with no preparation, no expectations, it was a total shock. My friends did not know how to support me and my small family was going through their own grief process. I had to walk the lonely road myself with no map.
But, I do not write this story with sadness or resentment. I am writing this to share that even if you feel this intense pain will last forever, it will not. Even if you feel like you are alone in the world and no one understands you, I do. Even if your friends turn away because they cannot handle or do not know how to be with you, its not because they do not care, they are not equipped and if they have never been through it they do not know the magnitude of what this loss can feel like. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they know and the amount of energy they have to share.
We are stronger than we realize. Although death is a taboo subject in western culture, it is normal, natural and a beautiful process of life. It teaches us appreciation, gratitude, reverence, humility, kindness and compassion. It cracks our hearts open even when they have become firm and stiff. It brings us right to the cliff’s edge, it makes us feel alive. Death will show us what is important in life, who is important and the true face of people.
7 years later, when April 6th comes around I do not have the same heaviness I did as in the early years. The pain is less. I still miss him, deeply, but I also have accepted he had to go, as we all do. My relationship with him was complicated and I used the last 7 years to forgive him, let go of the past and have been able to see all of the gifts I received from him. Nothing is all bad or all good and to take it further; within the good there is bad and within the bad there is good, it’s just the amount that differs. Everything contains everything.
Death, loss, grief is a part of life but it doesn’t take away from the fact of how hard and scary it can be. Losing a parent is incredibly difficult, especially when the relationship is complex and we do not know how to grieve. There can be anger, frustration, guilt, and rage on top of the grief and sadness. We may have loved them but hated them at the same time.. how to process it?
One feeling at a time my dear friend.
Grief makes us naked, our hearts exposed, and what is hidden is revealed.
From My Experience in Dealing with Grief:
Address each feeling as it arises, and let the feeling wash over you, do not hold on to it. The intense episodes of grief can last longer if we hold on or resist and do not let ourselves to move through it.
Let yourself cry, let yourself feel - the pain will be immense you will want to turn away, run and hide but face it with courage. By facing and feeling it you can move through it. I know many times I thought the pain would tear me in half and that I would and could never emerge from the wallows of this deep loss. But I did.. Feel it, let those tears cleanse you, cry and cry and cry and cry and do not hold on. Eventually, the tears will stop, there will be silence and you will feel a sense of peace under it... eventually.
I would have these ‘fits’ of deep crying that would come as waves. Some days would be fine and then some days I would see or hear something that reminded me of him and ‘BOOM’, I knew I needed to get home hide under a blanket or put my belly onto the Earth and wail it out. Grief can be sneeky and it can creep up when we least expect it.
Grief is an incredibly strong emotion, it will destroy our body if we do not process it and let go of it. With love for ourselves, we need to let go, so it can pass through us and we can emerge on the other side with acceptance.
Some people cannot cry, they hold it in. To them I say, create a safe space where you feel comforted and can allow yourself to release it. A shamanic technique of placing your belly on the ground, or covering yourself with a blanket and doing a breath similar to a fake cry (like a deep whimper) can help provoke it to start. Another method is using other forms of release like art, dance, breath work and writing.
Follow your instincts, your body knows what you need.
I still think of my dad but I can talk about him now without my eyes filling with tears. I may take a deep breath and continue talking but I do not get lost in the pain. It’s not perfect, but it’s progress. I am okay with feeling his void, he was important to me.
When we are close to someone, when we really love someone, the suffering is immense. Yet, even with the pain it’s worth it and I still hope the people in my life make an impact on me that I will never forget. It means they were important, that love was sincere. They were and still are, a part of us.
On his birthdays now, I light a candle for him, I pray for him and I thank him for everything- the good and the challenges. I sometimes make his favourite meal or go out to eat Chinese food because it reminds me of him.
Learning from Death
Death is my teacher, it has taught me how to be a better human, to not turn away in the face of suffering, to not wait to tell someone I love them. Death has become a companion for me, every day I think about the impermanence of life, of my own immortality, of my own fleeting existence. It has shown me to not waste time, to seize the day and to not wait.
Our darkest moments in life can be a catalyst of change, it all depends how we choose to see it. There will always be pain, loss and tragedy, but there is a silver lining, there are gifts - embrace those - they will be your elixer, and they will bring you back to life.
Making Peace with Someone that has Crossed the Veil
When someone goes suddenly there can be many words left unsaid, we can feel overwhelmed with confusing emotions especially if the relationship was complicated or not as healthy as we wanted it to be.
A writing exercise that I found useful is to write a letter addressed to the deceased person. Write the letter expressing everything you need to say, any questions, any anger, any worries, confusions, any loving words left unsaid etc. Write it all out, without holding back- the good, the bad, the ugly. This process can take days, weeks or even months. Allow the letter to be a living letter that you keep adding to until you feel it is complete. One day it will feel complete, I promise you. Until that day keep writing. Keep the letter in a safe place that wandering eyes will not see. This is your private conversation.
When you are complete, thank them for everything you can say thank you for at this time. Wish them well and burn the letter.
You can repeat this process if needed, but I have found if done sincerely and thoroughly, once is enough.
Self Care Advice for those Grieving and for those Supporting
Our modern world does not make space for grieving. It can be an incredibly lonely and stressful time as many people may distance themselves or do not understand what we are going through. We can become angry and upset that the world keeps spinning and there is no pause given to the loss we just suffered.
If you are someone that knows someone grieving do not wait for them to ask for help- help them in whatever way you see a need. Make them a meal, get them groceries, help clean their house, pick up their mail etc. A grieving person will not ask for help. Allow them to talk to you about who they lost, do not try to tell them it is okay, listen and create space for them to feel what they need to feel. Check in on them, don’t wait for them to call you.
For those grieving- it is important to be easy on yourself, to not overextend and to move at your own pace, grief takes time, it has its own timeline.. Grief is exhausting, focus only on priorities. When you feel more stable develop a routine of regularly moving the body so that you do not get stagnant.
Vata naturally increases with the emotions of grief, sadness, loss, uncertainty and anxiety. Our digestion can suffer as we loose our appetite. Following a Vata pacifying lifestyle and diet that is easy to digest, it will support the body’s systems. To pacify Vata eat warm, nourishing, soupy meals. Avoid anything cold, raw, rough, dry or difficult to digest.
Rose essential oil dabbed on the heart chakra and wrist points can be comforting.
Rose milk can be a soothing balm when we do not feel hungry enough for a whole meal.
Head massage and feet massage with a warm oil like sesame oil can be grounding and nourishing to the nervous system.
Praying, chanting, singing can be soothing. Connecting to the divine and talking to God and our loved one while the veil is thin allows our words to be potent and transferred.
The first 7 days after someone has died is when their Spirit visits their love ones. During the 7 days you can speak to them and they will hear you. After 7 days they begin to do their life review and begin their process of crossing over to the other side. It’s important to not hold on to them or call them back, so they can complete their crossing.
Some people may turn to alcohol to numb the pain, but alcohol is a depressant and will lower ones mood further. It is best to avoid and choose more nourishing habits like the ones mentioned above instead.
Losing someone we love whether it is a parent, friend, family member, pet is not easy and its not convenient. It disrupts our life, throws us into a spiral. Yet, death does create space for new life. When we are in the thick of it we cannot see that, but eventually overtime the winter snow will thaw, the sprouts will emerge and the birds will sing again. You will too.
Much love to you from the depths of my heart,
Thalita
Thank you for these words. I lost my husband suddenly and have felt the very descriptions you’ve left here. Thanks for sharing your grief. I see you 💗